It’s quite possible that no summer will ever top the summer of 2002. Why, you ask?1. Got my braces off
2. Got a boyfriend with a learner’s permit HAYOOO
It’s difficult to overstate the importance of item #3 to 2002 Andrea. The Latin American tradition of celebrating a girl’s transition to womanhood on her 15th birthday was single-handedly responsible for what is probably the busiest social calendar I will ever have. Back then when the weekend rolled around I had AT MINIMUM five Quinceañera parties to attend. I probably went to every Quinceañera in the Washington Metropolitan area. This meant: a reason to dress up, a reason to slow dance with boys, and a reason to feast on bomb meals, all for a grand total of zero dollars. So basically,2002 was one big win.
Which brings me to my girl Colibritany, aka “la flor más bella del Cocoyoc,” (a city in the Mexican state of Morelos). I thought I had seen some pretty fancy Quinceañeras in my day – not to mention the quinces featured on MTV Tr3s show Quiero Mis Quinces, which are at a wedding level of extravagance. But Colibritany just shat on all of those quinces with this:
When I first saw this video, I was speechless. Then I watched four more times, and wrote down a few thoughts:
Ah, the old “I’m a woman now” Georgia O’Keeffe imagery. Classic.
There is some truly excellent lip synching going on here. I’m not entirely convinced Colibritany isn’t performing this live.
Okay, dancer on the left is REALLY showing dancer on the right up. Look at the air he got with that leg. If this were So You Think You Can Dance, the guy on the right would go straight to pre-elimination Solo dance. Step it up, man.
Colibritany is in a hot tub with two boys, after just declaring a six-pack requirement for all of her chambelanes. GET IT GURL.
She appears to be taking this transition to womanhood thing very literally. Things that are now on the table per her interpretation: drinking beer, switching out her corpiño for a bra, getting bling. You know what else comes with being a woman, Colibritany? BILLS. Slow your roll.
CHAMBELANDIA. I want to go to there. Purely for sociological purposes, of course. #NoCougar
Colibritany is really excited to receive what appears to be a grand total of $5. It’s probably all the allowance her parents can afford, since she’s clearly bankrupting them with this party.
So, apparently pink Barbie stretch Hummers are a thing that exists, and my girl Colibritany is all over it. Somewhere out there, Rebecca Black is weeping right now.
“Si te portas bien, te doy el honor de ser el primero en ir al sur del ecuador.” PAUSE. Did she really just say that? I refuse to believe Colibritany is making a virginity loss pun right now, I REFUSE. Things just took a really awkward turn.
Okay, we’re back to talking about teenage-appropriate things like nail polish, thank god. Side note: she seems really pumped that her godparents bought her nail polishes from Walgreens. Is Walgreens a big deal in Cocoyoc? The more you know…
LOLZZZZ 15 year old boys. I feel like I could probably bench press the one on her immediate right. I would destroy him in a game of dodgeball.
Yessss I’ve been trying to bring the fanny pack back for months. FINALLY AN ALLY. It’ll catch on, I promise.
Two important takeaways here:
1. Bougainvillea in Spanish is apparently “Bugambilia.” This is news to me. I clearly need to brush up on my flora.
2. Her party is taking place in front of the Walmart. BALLINNNN
In conclusion, Colibritany is the coolest 15 year old I know and travel arrangements to attend this quince are already in process. Also, I’d like to congratulate her for being on Twitter a grand total of five days and already having 125 more followers than I do. Totally not bitter about that or anything.